Carolyn Hax: Mother challenges when she wants to say something

When my mother took me to the airport after a break, she asked if Jane had another man in the photo. I said a firm “No,” which was true as far as I knew. We talked for a few more minutes and then my mother repeated, “Does Jane have anyone else?” and I said, “NO!” I suppressed the urge to say, “I already answered that question.” It was quiet in the car for a few minutes. Then my mom said, “Are you suuuuuure she doesn’t have someone else?”

I lost it and shouted, “Arrrrrgh! If the answer was yes, I would have said yes, right? What’s the point of asking if you don’t believe me? My mother might have gotten somewhere if she had started with, “I think Jane is seeing someone else because…” instead of antagonizing me.

Like I said, she still does things like this, so she hasn’t learned anything from this incident. Sometimes I wanted to strangle her.

Just say it: That would be much worse than her hassle of repeating questions. Just say it.

And I wonder what you I learned from this incident with your mother. Also from a semester of Jane’s antics.

You didn’t just say it during your drive to the airport: “I already answered that question.” However? And you didn’t follow that up with, “What I’m hearing, Mom, is anything else you want to say about this?”

Instead, you suppressed the urge, released it on her, and then concluded that the conversation would have been successful if she would have done something differently instead of figuring out how your choices could have changed the outcome.

I understand that you are irritated by your mother’s poor communication skills.

However, you still navigate your way out of it. And that’s where you’ll find the answer to your (non-)question about your mother’s game, and Jane’s.

That’s good news for a few reasons. You are on the right track – no small thing, considering the environment you grew up in as a child. And you know what this style of miscommunication feels like, so your motivation to resolve it seems solid. And you’re the one who decides the answer, not your mother/Jane/future Janes, which means it’s no longer pointless to wait for her to fix herself. You fix you.

The formula: 1. Speak at face value. 2. Take others at first sight. 3. At the first sign of one meaningful gap, speak up: “What I hear you saying is, ‘(What you think someone is saying).’” 4. If people don’t want to engage honestly, quietly withdraw. (“Okay.” (shrugs.)) Don’t keep trying to change them.

You say your mother is “playing games,” but I suspect she is hiding. Something taught her that it is not okay to say what she really meant. So she learned to hint, to ask, to poke, to prod, to imply.

Torture, right? For her: all that frustrated waiting for someone to understand her, and all that fear that she will be punished for it. Ouch.

Familiar to you, I think. So break the cycle and learn to maintain your integrity and composure as You, finally, kindly: “SAY IT.”