Advice | Twelve angry Trump jurors: a satire

Juror 7: Sounds like a skip.

Juror 5: It’s his second term, not his first term.

Juror 1: Okay, gentlemen. We can do this in a number of ways. We can discuss and then vote. Or we can have a preliminary vote, see where we stand and then discuss. In any case, our result must be twelve to zero.

Juror 3: Let’s do a preliminary vote. Maybe we can all go home.

Juror 1: Okay. Show of hands: who thinks he is guilty?

(Eleven hands go up. All heads turn to Juror 8, who sits at the end of the table with his hand firmly on the surface.)

Juror 8: I’m just not convinced.

Juror 8: I would like to be convinced! Just – convince me.

Juror 3: We’ve seen over 200 pieces of evidence.

Juror 8: Is it the evidence you’re judging on, or something else?

Juror 4: I think this is the proof. I took copious notes.

Juror 8: I think we should take some time and talk about it. This is America, where everyone deserves a fair shake – or even better than a fair shake if the person on trial is somehow connected to the Federalist Society. By God, this is America, where if you’ve done a racist gerrymander you can just say with a straight face that it’s just looks like Bad, you’re entitled to the benefit of the doubt, and if you want an abortion, no, you don’t. There are freedoms and rights that must be respected, and I think the man deserves a fair trial.

Juror 9: Fair hearing! This is the only process that even moves forward before he potentially puts himself beyond the reach of justice forever!

Juror 8: Why are you so sure he’s guilty?

Juror 5: We’ve heard from all these employees. Come on! Grover waits!

Juror 3: To be honest, I do have a complaint. I think they should give us copies of the testimony.

Juror 4: Yeah, what about lawsuits? Why should we forget that the technology to write things down on paper exists? Why do we have to ask them to read the testimony to us again, out loud, like a bedtime story, but a bedtime story that for no apparent reason stars Michael Cohen? And why do we have to have little hand-drawn photos of the process? I understand that AI threatens artists’ livelihoods, but this feels like a make-work situation since cameras exist!

Juror 1: I am an artist.

Juror 4: I didn’t mean you. I just meant it in general.

Juror 4: I regret saying this because it alienated everyone around me.

(Juror 8 stood by the window during this exchange.)

Juror 8: I just don’t think those are our personal feelings. This is a man’s life.

Juror 4: Well, maybe his political life, but probably not even that, sad to say.

Juror 1: Are you talking about the need to suppress the narrative to keep his political chances alive?

Juror 5: Nonsense! Anyone who knows anything about Grover Cleveland knows that he endured a much more serious scandal at a much more condemning time. This kind of behavior was already ingrained in voters’ views of the man on trial, and he might have thought that burying it would only upset the election if he really knew nothing about Grover Cleveland.

Juror 4: I’m confident he didn’t. He described the Battle of Gettysburg this way: “Gettysburg, what an incredible battle that was. … It was so much, and so interesting, and so mean and terrible, and so beautiful in so many different ways – it represented such a big part of this country’s success. Gettysburg, wow.” We’re not allowed to have internet here, but that’s fine, because I know that by heart.

Juror 5: Well, maybe. But I have to assume that there is a certain minimum amount of knowledge about Grover Cleveland that all Americans simply have.

Juror 8: If you know so much about Grover Cleveland’s second term, I don’t understand why you have to rush here to get to a lecture about it.

Juror 5: I’ll give the lecture!

Juror 8: I don’t care if you give the lecture! This is a man! A man who will rush you to death by the chair!

Juror 10: What process do you think this is?

Juror 8: That’s the stakes here, and you all know it! A boy pulls a stiletto –

Juror 9: This is Donald Trump’s hush money trial.

Juror 8: Donald Trump? (He looks at his instruction card.) Oh no, I’m in the wrong deliberation room.

Juror 9: Great, I think we have a mistrial now.